I miss my friend.

I need to get out of this town and go live on my own for once. That would be nice. I think living by myself would be very cathartic and I would love to have a dog, which the dorms do not allow. So needless to say within the next few months or at least by fall semester I will be living on my own or with a friend. I am also really trying to get away from relying on my family and friends for support.

Lessons learned: stand up for yourself.
Lessons learned: you are stronger than you think you are.

It's just not worth it go out anymore.

I have noticed that when I am in the dire straits emotionally and personally, I find myself gravitating to this thing. I don't have any real reason to be that way though. I have all my shit paid for and I really don't have any major problems other than the one that keeps creeping up on me. A cigarette even tastes stale now. I just bought the fucking pack.

Why does this always fucking happen? I WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God. I fucking hate the place I'm at right now. In every sense of the word. God I just want to go home. I want to go back to Pennsylvania. I want to go back to the people I grew up with. I just don't know what to say anymore that will make things right with me. I want to quit school and move out of the state where no one knows who I am. I just want to leave.

It'll just be easier to live somewhere else.

:-(

Nothing sucks more than being completely alone no matter how many people are around.

I want to vomit half the time and I can't fight the urge to hurt someone.
The thing is, I can't do anything without completely fucking it up.
I'm too frustrated to think anymore.
Not to mention work or actually do anything.
Can't one fucking thing be fucking easy.
I find myself stumbling over my words.
i find myself stumbling over my own two feet.
I find myself stumbling over me and I can't find my legs.

Fuck. Something needs to happen to get me out of this funk.
Sleep. It's the only true medicine.
Just call me J.D. but more pathetic.

Just saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Great movie. Every bit as raunchy as a Kevin Smith movie should be with enormous heart. Reminds me a lot of Clerks 2. And yet I feel horrible. I feel just like Zack waiting for Miri to understand.

I think I'm going to go back to talk to someone. Get my head right.
Note to self: stop thinking.
Note to self: drink into stupor.
Note to self: stop drinking.
Note to self: stop smoking.
Note to self: stop making notes to self.

but lately it's the only thing that keeps me sane. I don't know. Maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe I'm that crazy kid. The one that makes others look better by comparison. On another note...

I've been feeling more and more alienated lately. Don't talk to anyone anymore and the more and more I try, it seems the more I get shut out.
Oh well. Such is life I guess. I just got done reading Go Ask Alice. Let's put it out on the table...the book is really fucked up. I felt bad and enlightened and dirty all at the same time. I don't know whether I could turn into that and that scares the living shit out of me. Not the dead shit...but the living variety.

I've been going to bars a lot lately. It always ends the same. Alone with a shot and a beer. Hoping the waitress will come by one more time. God that's sad. Just realized how sad that actually is. Looking for care in the restaurant business. Like looking for truth in the government or love in a whore house.

My hands have been going numb lately. I don't think that's supposed to happen. I'll deal with it later.

I think I am losing my ability to concentrate as well. I either sleep in class, angry in class, or a combination of the two.

I've noticed that people, in nature, are bad. I've noticed that lies are spurted out like the used CO2 we exhale. I've been lied to a lot lately. When I catch them in the lie, they just deny it. Or they denied it for a while, and finally I find out or they tell me or they hide things from me because they think that I am a child. Great world.

I want to write like Palahniuk. I want to go out to L.A. and write for a living. I think I could make it out there. I want to direct and write and produce and be important. I want to get money and help my friends out and condemn others. I want to be someone that others look to for counsel. I think that's the correct spelling... That's what I want to do with my life. I want to gain notoriety. I want people to know my name and see it on screen and say I knew that guy. Or I went to high school with him. Or I think I'm going to give him a call and see what he's up to.


Well, that was a bunch of writing for nothing said. Until next time ladies and gents. Have a good one.

Here is the first trailer for one of Chuck's best books.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?vid=235956

I'm not meant for a girl right now. I gotta concentrate on other shit. Like connecting with old friends and eventually getting back up to Pennsylvania to see all those people I left behind. I think I am going to get back into theater and writing poetry, ideas for stories, that lot. I'm going to go out more. See more people. Be social. This time without Danielle. This time without the hassle of being with someone. Ok ready to party for the next bit of time.

I have never felt so good in my life. I feel as though a weight has been lifted and the chains have let go. This feels great. Thanks for breaking up our friendship Danielle. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it. I am actually being genuine. I laughed all day today. Hell I even laughed while regaling the story to my family. It's just so ridiculous that our friendship broke up because she can't handle a simple statement. Oh you. You crazy kid.